Update 18 - The Decision

We talked to the doctor yesterday at 9:00am. River is stable. She had good urine output overnight, but it had slowed by the morning. I wish her kidneys would improve. Toward the end of our call he asked us if we were going to withdraw care today. I was angry. In hindsight, I know it’s his job to ask this question. I’ve already signaled we know the path we are on, and he is likely asking because we didn’t come the day before. He wanted a status update just to make sure we are not running from the decision. 

We drove through Gwinnett and made a quick stop for lunch in the car. The ride was enjoyable. The atmosphere was somewhere closer to our first date cruise in the Red Ranger than like our emotional trip to Atlanta on Monday. We are better together. I’m so happy to have Carly with me again. 

We talked about our questions, and wrote a list to ask the doctor. Hard questions. Carly loves lists, and I'm glad we wrote them down.

We talked about our fears. One of our head-in-the-sand fears is life after River’s death. Funeral preparations, family gatherings, Fielder’s questions, explaining to Miller she had a twin, and petty as it sounds being treated differently by friends and family because of our experience. Add to this all the administrative hurdles we face like getting the girls added to insurance, thinking about and applying for Medicaid, wondering how we could ever thank our friends and family enough. Everything is daunting and has me reaching for a brown paper bag. I’m almost hyperventilating. 

We tabled the end of life discussion and moved on to brighter things. We started another list of things we wanted to tell River today. 

When we got to the hospital we confronted the doctor together. We are not ostriches. We asked our questions. I tried to explain that I had to double back and meet Carly where she was. We told them we will never deal with 100% of our emotions or be “ready” to make this decision, but we know a final decision looms. So we explained that Carly and I put a line in the sand. We decided to withdraw care on or before River’s 3 week birthday. 

With a decision made, we could focus on cherishing the moments we have left. This isn’t for everyone, but it removes some of the emotion and helps us be a little more objective. It actually makes us appreciate the time we have more rather than dread a looming decision. 

I leaned into the bed and started talking to River. I picked up where we left off the day before….

After our date, the relationship moved fast. I started spending “Weekends in Winder.” AKA Driving to Athens, staying with Carly until almost midnight, sleeping in Winder, and repeating. Friday to Sunday. Little did I know the relationship was traveling at warp speed in Carly’s mind. The fourth week after meeting her in Athens with MT, I drove to Warner Robins and met her parents. 

I didn’t understand I was “going to meet her parents.” I thought I was going to see one of the state’s largest high school football games: Northside versus Warner Robins. McConnell-Talbert Stadium has a listed seating at 9,000, but the game draws 15,000+ fans every year. It was standing room only. The sloped grass berms around the field were covered with fans 6 or 7 deep sitting or standing on the ground. ESPN has covered this game.

I found a few pictures on the inter web from that night to help you understand. I grew up in Winder. Attendance at our games was okay, but this felt more like a college football game. It was the craziest thing. The rival runs very deep there. During football season the rivalry splits families and threatens marriages. Carly’s parents are rivals. Wanda’s loyalty lies with the Northside Eagles. Johnny is a Warner Robins Demon. The mascots fit their personalities, and to this day they still sit on opposite sides of the stadium for the game. 

We were a little late. Wanda had four reserve seats, but she was forced to protect them like a mama bear protects her cubs. I wedged myself into my “seat”. For this game the seat numbers on the concrete mean nothing. My left shoulder was pressed against Carly’s. She was practically sitting in April’s lap next to her, and Wanda was next to April in a folding cushioned Chair. We were supposed to be comfortable. Wanda was, but I felt like a sardine. 

The game was good, but a defensive struggle. Warner Robins won the game 10-3. Johnny was unbearable. I remember his euphoria. They had lost the previous three years so I guess it’s understandable. The night was memorable, but not because of the action on the field. 

I watched the game, and the girls talked. Wanda occasionally lifted binoculars to her eyes to get a better view. We were on the 45 Yard line two-thirds of the way up the concrete stadium seating. Wanda is a ravenous football fan. She loves her eagles, but she is passionate about her dawgs. Carly might have got in 7 words with her before half time: “Hey mom, This is my boyfriend Kenny.” I said 6, “Thanks for the tickets Mrs. Decker.”

At halftime Wanda allowed herself a chance to catch up a little more with Carly and April and ignore the activity on the field. Warner Robins was winning 3-0. I went to the bathroom and concession stand. When I returned all three women were in tears. I didn’t know what had happened. I thought, “did I miss some moving on field tribute?” I looked around. They were the only ones crying. I pressed Carly. I wanted to know what was so emotional. I hate being left out of the loop. I pressed and I pressed until finally Carly said, “I told my mom and April that I am going to marry you.” Very few things could have shocked me more than those words.

I tried to brush the comment off as hyperbole, and enjoyed the rest of the weekend. We continued to date. Things were great. She was everything a guy wants. Pretty, down to earth, funny, she laughed at all my dumb jokes, she liked to fish, she played softball, she was a cheerleader, she is athletic, and did I mention she has red hair? 

Carly was my best Friend, but I have issues. Deep rooted issues with commitment. In fact, my best friends warned Carly about me after we started dating. I had a womanizing reputation. Not a worldly womanizing reputation per say, but a track record of emotional commitment followed by abrupt breakups without much excuse.

I can look back and say I needed companionship that guy friends don’t provide. That is an endearing quality if harnessed for good, but I’m selfish. I was manipulative and a real jerk to Carly. I used her emotionally when I needed her and then moved on when things were good. I mistreated Carly many times. 

The first time was in March or April of 2005. I was about to leave for M-fuge and I made the selfish decision my friends had tried to warn Carly about. I broke up with her in the Steak and Shake around the corner from the Tech Campus. To this day we drive by and I get punched for that night. She was great and we were great together, but the timing was off, and I was young and didn’t know how to spread my passion across multiple loves. I Used some lame excuse that I needed to focus on my work with God and M-Fuge. I was a Jerk. 

River, This is your lesson for the day. Don’t trust that kid in the room next door. He will tell you everything you want to hear. He will woo you, use you, and then leave. Boys are Jerks. All of them. Even your Dad. Our story ended happily and led to you, but that is an exception, not the rule. 

It’s funny how we are jerks to others when we are young. Later in life we need to thank them or at a minimum apologize for the life lessons. I’ve apologized to Carly, and it worked. We’re married and have three beautiful kids. But there are a lot of other people who are deer scattered on the side of the road, run over by my younger narcissistic self in a Red Ranger. I’ve grown, Without mentioning you by name, and potentially bringing shame or causing you to relive painful memories, I’m sorry. 

I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. My updates are raw, emotionally charged, and genuine, but they are still edited. You're getting a picture that is real, but missing some pieces. My head talk has inflicted Guilt and I need to deal with that emotion. I hope sharing the hell I’ve put Carly through will help illustrate how much she is the strength of our marriage. I’m carrying a burden now, but without her grace and trusting her instinct and wisdom 16 years ago. I wouldn’t be the man I am today.