Update 19 - How to Heal

A lot of boys joined Boy Scouts when they were kids. Not me. Dad taught me most of the skills I would have learned in the scouts. He didn’t give out badges. The Scouts isn’t all about badges. Socialization, values, and experiences are also major benefits. I gained these benefits from my dad and the Baptist Boy Scouts equivalent, maybe rip off, The Royal Ambassadors(RA’s).

Sure it was a little lame, but I still remember the pledge, and a few memories of my time in the RA’s have really stuck with me.

The pinewood derby was cool. I had a car one year shaped like an arrow. It was fast. We won my age group at church, but it cost a lot. Specifically, my dad had to go to the hospital for lead poisoning. I remember watching him melt fishing weights and letting the molten lead drip into the spade bit drilled hole in the car. It smelled awful. The Pinewood derby was memorable, but it is more for parents than the kids.

Another fun memory was my first camp out. We went to Cloudland Canyon state park. My tent had 7 or 8 kids in it and it smelled terrible. It was potpourri consisting of puberty sweat, old wet nylon tent, campfire, BBQ chips, and starbursts. My contribution to the smells came from a yellow backpack filled with “essentials.” If I was graded on preparedness I would have failed. Ripplin’s, Starburst, and Snickers bars would not get me a Boy Scout merit badge. 

The trip’s hike in Cloudland Canyon was most memorable. The hike to the 90’ Hemlock waterfall at the park is difficult. The trail guide I use for all my hikes, AtlantaTrails.com, lists the trail as 4.4 out of 5 stars, but categorizes the trail as most difficult, it’s hardest rating. The trail crosses a variety of surfaces as it drops over 400 feet to the waterfall. Imagine 20 or so kids filing down a steep trail that alternates between dirt paths, wooden boardwalks, and long stretches of metal stairs. It was precarious, but no children were injured. I can’t say the same for our chaperones. Mr. Brumbelow fell down the stairs and severely broke his leg. He had to be carried up all those stairs. I think Andy ran to get help. We sat on wooden stairs for what felt like hours while Mr. Brumbelow got the care he needed. I ate starbursts to pass the time. My uncle Andy got back to the group and we continued our hike. I’m sure glad we continued, because the falls were beautiful, but the naked girl bathing under the falls drove us 8-10 year old boys wild. 

That night we sat around a campfire, and even sang to Andy’s guitar the song I’ve got a River of life. Afterward we were supposed to go to bed. I didn’t sleep long at all. I was partially afraid I would wet the bed and get made fun of, but also kept replaying the B Reel from the day. It was quite the memory. The girl was really pretty. Mr Brumbelow's leg was really bad. I returned home really tired. 

I came back from the campout tired, but my most tired moment from RA’s came after a lock-in. We spent the entire night in the gym at Glen Forest. I remember eating a lot of Little Caesar’s double pizza packs. We ate a lot, played kickball, and stayed up all night. My dad picked me up the next morning, and I fell asleep on the car ride home. I didn’t wake up all day after that lock-in. 

I am so tired. I feel like I’m alternating between RA campouts and lock-ins with no rest in between. Today marks two weeks. I could sleep for two weeks easily. Some friends came and got Fielder for a play date yesterday. I let myself sleep for 3 hours. It was glorious, but not enough.  

Sleep is good, but rest for the mind is elusive. My brain hurts, and I consume the brains of friends and loved ones who want to take on our pain. I am a zombie. I don’t want to be around people. I’m normally such a people person, but I’m afraid I’m going to eat the brains of my friends with my self pity. I used to be afraid people were going to treat us differently, but I’m the problem now. I try to be social when sweet friends come over to drop off cards or food, but it’s exhausting. I can’t find any rest. 

I’ve felt like this before. In college after my parents split. After a period of trying to be the leader of our family, I fell into a deep depression. My sisters saw the relationship failing and it didn’t impact them quite as bad as me. They were able to grieve as the relationship died.  I didn’t see the relationship deteriorate. It just ended abruptly one day. I was either in school or working at M-fuge. 

When reality of their split took hold was in Jacksonville, Florida. I got a call from Morgan around 10:00am. She was crying. I was loading 30 kids on a school bus to go to a community center to work with 60 low income kids. She told me mom had moved into my room and announced the divorce. It was serious and Morgan and Alie didn’t know what to do. My sisters needed me and I couldn’t be there for them. It was devastating. I broke down and cried on a bus in front of 30 high school kids. They crowded around me and prayed for me. It gave me energy to complete the day and summer. But Morgan’s call was just the beginning of the storm for me. 

When I returned from the summer I realized Mom and dad needed me too. I sacrificed my own well being to be there for them. Trying to “Play Parent” and advise your parents is exhausting. Eventually I failed. I couldn’t fix their marriage. I gave up. I also failed every class that fall semester of 2006. 

Thankfully, I got help. I was the thickness of a starburst wrapper away from flunking out of Tech. Dean Stein reached out to me directly and listened to my story. He cared about me and helped get me into counseling in the Spring with the Tech counseling center. He even made an exception and let me live in the dorms that Spring even though I wasn’t enrolled. I worked at the capitol and got my life straight again. I went to 18 sessions of therapy and learned how to set realistic expectations, and how to cope with life’s crises. 

Do I need Counseling again? Yes. My pride tells me to attempt recovery on my own. But reality tells me I’m not “Playing Parent” this time. I’m a real husband and Parent and the best thing I can do for my family is to accept help. The best thing I can do for my Kids is to keep my marriage healthy and strong. Will it be easy no, but I’m worth it. They are worth it. I can’t do it alone. We can’t do it without you. 

We changed River’s Diaper 3 times Saturday while we were at the hospital. With every change, her urine output was increasing and they have weaned the dopamine controlling her blood pressure off completely. She is stable, but labs reveal the kidneys still in failure, her brain activity is non existent, and she will not survive without a ventilator. 

Tomorrow will be like the phone call from Morgan. We will need you all to crowd around us like the kids on the school bus. We can get through this with counseling and your help.