Update 4 - I breathe in......

I breathe in and breathe out

Ever doubt your faith? It starts very innocently. Little thoughts. Mustard seed small. Ignored, they grow. And they grow and they grow and they grow. Now you are a cynic. Your thoughts are massive and establish roots. Then they go to seed again. One seed over the course of a dark season of your life if left unattended will grow and multiply into more seeds. Honestly, I’ve been there. It sucks. Not NICU sucks. Just different. I was there 7 years or more deep. Couldn’t see any light. Wearing a brave face, going through the motions, but all the while ashamed and cynical. 

What’s even crazier is the way doubt becomes self sustaining. It has an manipulative nature. I couldn’t talk about it for a long time. My brain always had a way of preventing me from getting help or talking about it with trusted Friends. In true Southern Baptist speak it would say, “Now Kenny, you don’t want to be a stumbling block for others. It’s easier to pull other Christians down than for them to lift you up.” So you internalize it. 

Over the last 7 years, I been on a journey. Still am honestly. Just In a dark place. Humbled. Felt like a failure. But failure is just a chance to try again.

I started talking about it with Preston Henry in a chick-fil-a year or so ago, we slowly started to machete hack at the kudzu of doubt. Remember meeting with people for coffee or breakfast. I miss that. 

Will I ever get rid of all my doubt? Will you? No. Truth is, it’s okay to doubt. It’s okay to not have all the answers. No one does. If they tell you they do they are either lying, have a young untested faith, or are trying to manipulate you into giving them money to share their secrets. 

Some days I can draw strength from the Lord. I can Say: The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want.” Today isn’t one of those days. In a time like this it’s hard to imagine a Spirit in the ether comforting me and guiding me. Before you come at me with your Spirituality, Don’t try to fix my doubt. You can’t. I wish you could give me a hug. They help. I hugged myself this morning during my quiet meditation and it helped. Hey I’ll take what I can get. Right? 

Pray for me. Pray for us. Pray for Carly. Pray for sweet River that she can have the chance to grow a faith, or even just open her pretty little eyes. Pray for Miller. 

I believe in people. I believe in the power of prayer. I can see them. I see all of you and I feel encouraged by your kind words and thoughtful prayers. Keep them coming. A good Friend Seth shared a song with me this morning. It’s good. Great even;

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

Powerful words. 

Check out the song. https://youtu.be/B6fA35Ved-Y

River got he new peripheral inserted IV central catheter overnight. Win. She is maxed out on the medicine they give to regulate her blood pressure. Loss. She has blood in her urine. It is Snow White apple colored, but the line feeding the measuring gauge is changing to orange so that’s good. Win? She’s fully warmed now, but I kissed her again praying that she is Snow White and I Prince Charming. She didn’t wake up. I felt the coldness of her skin. Remember your first kiss and the rush of electricity that filled you and puffed you up like a marshmallow in a microwave? If you don’t know what that looks like try it. It’s fun. We need a little fun right now. Our kisses haven’t had any electricity. They feel Lifeless and it breaks me to the core. The doctor said her echo on her heart came back positive. Win. But the CT of her brain post surgery was dark. She has had significant injury to her brain from the acidosis. Loss. We are going to have to start thinking of her care and quality of life. Loss. 

If I’ve been exposed to Covid the last 24 hours I probably have it. I can’t stop touching my eyes. What guidance does the CDC have for this? What am I supposed to do? Please pray for those who have it to be healed. Pray that I don’t get it. 

I slept well last night. 2:30-6:00 am. Thanks for the hotel room Will. I got out the yoga mat at 6:30 and prayed and stretched. It was a solid moment of peace. I was able to fully breathe in and breathe out. I’m not sure if God heard my cries. I didn’t feel him. I only felt a mild stretch in downward-facing-dog. I walked through the hotel grounds breathing in and out as deeply as I could. Again praying and meditating. Asking God to fill me with the breath of life. Asking God to fill river with the breath of life. 

The hydrangeas were in full bloom. I wish they needed dead heading so I could get some of the Nickels big Mamaw gave me for picking them up. The was only one. I picked it up and threw it away. Parking is expensive. The Nickels would have help pay for parking or coffee. I need my sweet girl to get better but she just isn’t. 

I’ll update again as I have more information. 

Oh and by the way. Big Mamaw did pay me for that hydrangea. There were 8 pennies on the ground in the Parking garage. I check the US inflation calculator from 1996 to 2020 and she adjusted for inflation. I picked them up and smiled.