Update 8 - Everything will be okay. Coffee Strong.

How do you find rest? It escapes me. My eyes were closed from 11:30 to 6:30, but I woke up fatigued. Wore out. My neck hurts, my head hurts, and the skin below my eyes is raw. It’s almost like the marathon days of summer vacation. Swimming in the ocean and constantly wiping the saltwater from my eyes. The sun pounding down on you drains all your energy. But the waves are worse. These waves crash against me like a tsunami. My life is chaos. My hopes, desires, and dreams are debris floating around this deserted island. I am Tom hanks. River is Wilson. I pray I have his resolve. 

When you finally slow down you crash. The drive to Tilman’s house last night was hard. My driving was hypnotic. I’ve lived here not that long ago. I know these roads well, but the drive, even with the GPS that I didn’t need, was chaotic. I didn’t crash or come close, but I could have been pulled over. I had an experience like this in college. 

I was working at the State Capitol for Don Balfour. Cross over day was upon us and a lot of work had to be done early so that I could take two days off to attend Directors weekend for my summer Job with M-Fuge. I miss all my Fugers. This is the first summer in a long time that Fuge camps didn’t happen. It sucks. I’m pissed at this moment in time. First Corona. Now River. Please God let the next thing be raindrops of candy. That’s about all I can handle. By the way. Please don’t send anymore candy! I would say send toothpaste, but my friend Derek already took care of that simple need.

I slept for 3 hours on the couch in Balfour’s office. It was Wednesday night. I had to make sure everything was prepared for the next 2 days. I showered at Jennifer Arguinzoni’s apartment so I didn’t smell like a goat. I’ve never actually smelled a goat, but I guess they stink that’s what I’ve been told. 

I worked until 8:00 pm on Thursday and my lack of planing meant I had to go back to Winder for my directors book. An hour and a half there and 3 hours back to Gadsend to stay the night with Brandie Johnson. I was overworked, had put too many miles on my car, and badly in need of coffee. I can say that now, but at that point I had not discovered the wonderful Elixer. 

As I drove I called all my friends. Talking on the phone helps me cope with sleep deprivation. Also helps me cope with a Child in the NICU. Keep calling. I’ll answer if I can. 

When I got to Gadsden, well more specifically the Southside exit, I figured I would leave my friends alone. It was 1 am. It couldn’t be that far from the interstate right? 

I drove about a mile and was hypnotized. Remind me later to tell you about getting hypnotized, or maybe we can find the videos. It’s hysterical. We need to laugh. 

My Southside experience was no laughing matter. A police officer pulled out behind me, unbeknownst to me and followed me for about 4 miles before pulling me over. I was Frisked, and not the kind of frisking you see on TV, it was very personal. He didn’t even by me dinner. Only later after the dust settled did he offer me a donut. Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up. I’m not that creative. I can’t help but think having a capital badge on was privilege that prevented a worse outcome. 

The blue lights and groping did a much better job than coffee. I was wide awake, and finished my trip unharmed, but prepared to understand the dangers of driving when exhausted. I promise not to do it again, but when you are a Father you will do anything for your kids. I’d give anything to take on her pain. Frieda told me a friend of hers prayed this prayer, “lord I pray for you to relieve them of their pain. Place on me if pain is a zero sum game.” That’s powerful. I don’t know who you are, but I know your prayers are mighty. Thank you. 

I know you may be fatigued too. You may be getting tired of my posts. I’ve had the same thoughts before on social media when someone was in crisis and it was blowing up the news feed. It’s okay to tag team caring for us, praying for us, and thinking about us. Keep sharing our story. I believe in the power of people. 

Life is hard and you have enough of your own problems I’m sure. I wish they would all go away. I wish I could fix the struggle our country is in right now. I wish I could convince my Republican Christian friends that it’s okay to be a Democrat and Christian. I wish I could fix confirmation bias. I wish their was real truth. This is one of the biggest problems with social media. You seek support for your side rather than seeking to understand the plight of another person's life. No one has all the answers. Quit acting like you do. Unfortunately we never know real truth. It’s elusive. Black and white thinking is easier than shades of grey thinking. Do it now when you life is easy. Don’t wait for a Tragedy to change your way of thinking. 

I’m sorry if this feels political. I promise it’s not. Its just raw emotion seeking a way out. I know all of you have dealt with death. You’ve walked a mile in similar shoes as these tattered rags that I’m wearing as I trudge through this hell on earth. Have opinions on justice? Everyone does, but until you have walked a mile in someone’s shoes, or wait for it skin, then you aren’t entitled to an opinion about their circumstances. Ouch. It took tragedy hitting my like to make me truly understand that Nugget of truth. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. Truth hurts.

I’m sad that I don’t have more close black Friends. Do I have a racial bias? Why is it so hard to relate to people? A black nurse and I talked for 30 minutes about our kids. Her son Kiran is in the military and has beautiful red hair. If you haven’t seen a black person with red hair it’s beautiful. Please pray for her son. He is in Iraq. Find common ground with people. Ignore your differences. When someone is in the NICU differences don’t matter. We are all just people. Death doesn’t discriminate. 

Overnight River had three more Seizures. They increased the versed again. We hope the seizures stop soon. Please stop. She hasn’t had any seizures since about 5:00am. Push. The brain surgeons came in this morning with Fellows. God I hope they aren’t like the fellows on Grey's anatomy. Her brain is swelling again. Loss. They are backing down the dopamine and she is responding positively. Win. Her kidneys still are struggling. Loss. River was given kayexalate this morning to help lower her potassium levels and restore kidney function. Her respiratory rate is only 32 times per minute. They came by and administered chest physical therapy(CPT). The therapist said, “We use a vibrator, to stimulate…..” She paused. I laughed out loud like a 13 year old in sex ed. I laughed so hard I cried. Any chance for humor I’ll take. Even if perverted. She finished “......the lungs to prevent phenomena.” Breathing is supposed to be an involuntary response. Oxygen is important. Our bodies are Fragile. Why did she have to go 6 minutes post c section without oxygen. Why did she go who-knows-how long without oxygen rich blood in utero? Why aren’t her systems recovering? Some questions will never have answers. 

I have done a lot of listening to understand over the last few days. Not to respond. I don’t know what to ask or how to respond. I’m just trying to understand what is happening. I have no opinions. No training. I’m trying to cling to truth, but it is elusive. We are not always going to like the things people tell us. Believe me I’ve been told a lot that sucks these past few days. Sometimes we have to ask a lot of questions to understand. Be patient. Answers may not come, but that doesn’t mean we should not ask them. Be honest and vulnerable. Ask them and listen like I’m listening. 

I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. On the drive to the hospital I took these two pictures.