Update 17 - The Descent

I woke up this morning at 9:00 am. Wanda took care of Miller last night to give us some needed rest. However, rest escapes me. I’ve been tired all day. I had intended to spend some intentional time with both Carly and Fielder. Neither happened. Something about having a daily rhythm keeps you moving forward. We didn’t do any coping today. In fact I probably took a step back. I feel better when I get up at 5:30am. I need a sense of normalcy. I’m afraid I won’t have it for many months, maybe even years, to come.

I got a brief sense of normalcy today when doing some research upstairs in my office. The computer time was unplanned and quite frankly was a chance to escape or retreat a little to the quiet darkness of my inner thoughts. I answered a few work calls and imagined that life was normal. I scrolled and clicked and meandered the internet for almost two hours before Carly burst into the room and exclaimed, “I’ve got the best news!” She held her phone close to her chest. I turned to her and said, “what is it?” She didn’t respond. She just turned the phone and showed me a picture. It was a baby announcement! One of my high school Buddies is expecting his first child. A Girl. 

Without thinking, I called and congratulated him. He isn’t active on social media, and didn’t know what is going on in my life. I was glad. We got to have a conversation focused on him alone and not the chaos that is my life. He talked about how excited they are. The baby is due in December. We talked about his business. Corona has had a small impact, but it’s also helped their business realize they could accomplish the same work in less time. 

We were just about to get off the phone and he did what any good friend does. He remembered to ask about the Twins. My heart sank. I paused and said, “Well that’s a hard question.” I tried to be brief. I didn’t want to steal the conversation. I gave the cliff’s notes version and ended the conversation with, “ life sucks,  but I’m so happy for you guys. Hug you wife for me, and I hope to see you guys in the fall. That is if we ever get to see people in public again.”

The call was approaching it’s destination and then Boom! It crashed with such sadness that I felt his tone plummet from upbeat first time dad to life sucks and isn’t fair. 

One time I was flying into the Charlotte airport on my way back to Atlanta. The plane circled the airport waiting for traffic control to clear it for landing. The captain came over the intercom and let us know we would land after the next plane took off. The cabin was already getting stuffy. I have no real problem flying, but when I get hot and stuffy I have a tendency toward nausea. I felt the airplane angle down toward it’s descent. Just before touchdown we hit some turbulence, jet wash from the previous takeoff, and the airplane skipped in the air like a stone across water. The wheels touched down, but had missed their mark. I leaned forward trying to prevent the nausea from getting worse, but before I had lowered my head all the way it was snapped back into my seat. I was disoriented. The pilot put on full thrust and we took off again. I was terrified. My heart sank and I started sweating even more. We landed safely, and I didn’t end up losing my lunch. However, I had to change shirts before catching my connection back to Atlanta.

When Matt asked me about the twins I felt like I was reliving that landing. I was angry that the conversation didn’t go as expected. I wanted to celebrate Matt and escape what is happening in my life right now. 

I imagine I’m going to have a lot more moments like this, I better get used to them. 

River remains stable. Carly and I will see River again tomorrow. I can’t wait to tell her the rest of our story. Her story.