Update 6 - I almost peed my pants

Ever wish you could be in two places at once? Tonight Carly and Miller were discharged and I made the excruciatingly hard decision to leave River and be with the other 4/5ths of my family. In hindsight it was the right decision. I needed them and they needed me. I’ll be back with River tomorrow. It was so hard to leave her. I sang “I loved you a Busshel and a peck”, “this is the day”, and “soft kitty warm kitty.” I hope that tithes her over until I return. 

Our neighbor unexpectedly brought us dinner and must have thought we went from Bradley party of 3 to Bradley party of 5000. The food just kept multiplying. Pastor Josh blessed it. My stomach is full. My heart is full from all the prayers and well wishers. And my eyes are heavy. I’m really looking forward to sleeping on my own bed. 

I’ve been able to talk to many of you briefly. I’m surprised at my ability to hold it together. We are not the only ones hurting. My friends and family and even loosely connected four-or-five-degrees of separation acquaintances are hurting with us. I’m thankful for each and every one of you. You have been a source of strength and encouragement. Keep calling if we haven’t got to connect. I promise I will answer when I’m able.

Everyone keeps asking how they can help. Honestly, we don’t know yet. Things change so fast right now and it is just too difficult to plan. This is a tough time, but I’m afraid the worst is ahead of us. Please be patient as we navigate our self care and Fielder, River, and Miller’s care. As thing stabilize we will need you. And will know what we need and how you can help. For now the best we can ask for is prayer, encouragement, and to keep sharing our story so that more people can pray for sweet River. A time will come when you can be present with us and minister to our physical needs. 

River, is still seizing. But the duration and  severity are diminishing. The phenobarbital is working, but slowly. She will get a fresh dose of fresh frozen plasma (FFP) tonight. She is so bloated. Her little vessels are leaky, but the plasma should help thicken her blood and hopefully reduce swelling and promote quicker clotting. She doesn’t look like the same baby from the NICU at Athens Regional. 

I had my first vision of rage today. Each new feeling is triggered by some minor stressor that I wasn’t prepared to experience. The rage was triggered by almost peeing in my pants. I can laugh now, but it was serious. Seriously. 

The entire NICU floor only has two singleton locking bathrooms. Believe me. I looked and later asked so that I didn’t turn into the Incredible Hulk the next time this happens. 

All these foundations donate money for beds and OR’s. Somebody needs to donate another bathroom or two. The men’s bathroom was occupied by a janitor who left his cart, broom, and dustpan neatly stowed outside the door. It was obvious that he wasn’t cleaning. He was probably updating his Facebook status or sleeping; He was in there for a long time. I was so mad. I felt my muscles tensing. Counting to four like Daniel Tiger did not work. My Pelvic floor muscles were on fire. I have the good folks at AOC physical therapy to thank for teaching me that I have a pelvic floor. 

I wanted to pound the door and break it down. Eventually I resisted both the present urges and walked around the entire floor to find relief. None was found so I fast walked like an idiot. I tried to respect the gender signs, but eventually ended up using the women’s bathroom. I felt no remorse. The woman who enter after me gave me a nasty look. I didn’t care. I didn’t pee in my pants. Win. It’s the little victories. Right!